i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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