I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
