Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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