So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Randomize
