Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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