You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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