did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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