Sober January is a disaster.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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