I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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