apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
