how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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