In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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