I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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