my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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