i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
