i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Randomize
