His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
