I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
