he looks like a really good dad on facebook
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
