My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
