My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Randomize
