Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
