She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
