billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
