it hurts more in the daytime
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
