were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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