Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Houston, we have a squirter
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
