I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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