I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
