Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The beer is more important than you right now.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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