I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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