I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
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seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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