she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
