You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
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Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
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I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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