I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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