did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
