you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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