Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You had me at "let me see your balls"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
