I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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