...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
