Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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