the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She bit a glass in half.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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