People in love make me want to vomit
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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