the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape