You just made me feel so damn special
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.