I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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