I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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