If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
