I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
