i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we're making bets on your personal life
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
