How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
