he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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