i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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