totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
