so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
