ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
