honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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