Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
