She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
